The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

I know it's been awhile since I bloggity blogged, but between workshops and showers and visits I have been very busy. But I guess it's not just that. I really haven't felt much like sharing my thoughts lately. Some of them are not really happy, and I feel like my blog should be a happy place since I'm sharing it with you. But I promised myself to be more open so here goes. 

I started out with the lyrics from "The Space Between" by Dave Matthews Band. This song has special meaning for me because I heard it in the car on the way to Abilene after my mom died. It fit the situation and everyone in the car cried slow, quiet tears similar to the ones I am crying now. So every time I hear it I think of that moment. And this week I found some pictures of my mom's and I just miss her. 

Then I heard the song today and realized it has another meaning for me now. I am currently in a waiting period to get my PCOS symptoms under control. The space between you could say. I've generally kept a positive outlook since my miscarriage and PCOS diagnosis, but I do have fears and anger and all these emotions. I'm just so scared to let them out. To risk scaring away those close by, to risk pity and worry by those who stay, to even risk jinxing myself into more infertility. My sane, happy self knows that is crazy. My sane, happy self knows I am three months, six pounds and one dr visit away from trying again. But my sane, happy self is not always there.

So what do I do? Did I tell my best friends who were here? No. They are so excited about their baby making journeys and I couldn't imagine causing them worry. I love hearing their excitement and joy. Did I throw myself a private pity party? Yes, but it was interrupted by my family who was very sweet but couldn't make me feel better. Did I get on the Internet to find others who felt like me? Yes but I was immediately discouraged by the amount of women having similar issues or worse. They too were angry and scared and seemingly alone in this space between. 

But then I realized that is the key isn't it? It's the space BETWEEN, not the final destination. For every woman where I am, there is a woman who has beaten infertility. I am blessed to be surrounded personally by some of these women. Whether through time and luck, clomid, IUI, IVF, or adoption, they received their beautiful children and began a new journey. I cannot be beaten down by this journey. I must reach forward. And I would share that with anyone like me who is just looking for hope. This is our space between.